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Work Rules

You Might be Making Your Co-Workers Nervous...

  • you reply to all on e-mail announcements about the death of a co-worker's family member with something like, "It's about time."
  • you publicly insist that your employer recognize your chronic body odor as a disability.
  • you enthusiastically pleasure yourself whenever someone hands you a memo.
  • you give yourself a really cool nickname and refuse to answer to anything else. The nickname should always include your nationality. Examples: The Italian Stallion or The Canadian Bacon.
  • you bring in all of your GI Joe action figures from your childhood days. At your desk, stage full scale battles complete with pyrotechnics. Demand paid time off to bury your dead.
  • you announce your arrival every morning in a booming voice. Example: "The Haitian Sensation is here!!!"
  • you bring in chittlins everyday for lunch. Be sure to warm them in the microwave so the fine aroma of pig intestine wafts through the building.
  • you are the only one with enough nerve to ask the office hermaphrodite what it is, a man or a woman.
  • you approach people randomly and ask them to smell your index finger.
  • you drive a motor scooter to work wearing a leather jacket with "Bad to the Bone" embroidered on the back.
  • you refuse to zip your fly because your "little friend" is claustrophobic.
  • you wash your hands in the urinal.
  • you discard any roadkill from your morning commute in your cubicle's waste basket.
  • you ask your black coworkers why their people are always trying to keep the white man down.
  • you openly discuss your menstrual cycle. If someone points out the fact that you're a man, bring them up on sexual harassment charges.
  • you push your desk away from any direct sunlight because "it burns so bad."
  • you wear all black and sacrifice small animals to the paper shredder gods.
  • you when in a crowded bathroom, stare directly at the person using the next urinal. If he turns to look at you, brand him a homosexual and threaten to tell his children.
  • you wear a rain bonnet because you've never trusted the filthy bastards that design fire sprinklers.
  • you walk up to peoples' desks, look at pictures of their children and ask them who the hell they think they are, procreating.
  • you answer the phone, "I am the angel of the death. The hour of reckoning is upon us. How may I help you?"
  • you fall asleep at your desk. Wake up screaming, "GOOSE, I CAN'T REACH THE EJECTION HANDLE!!! EJECT, EJECT, EJECT!!!"
  • you demand special treatment because you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder as a result of years of measuring fish while serving in the coast guard.
  • you enter the company day care center, look at the children and announce, "One of your parent's was just killed in a horrible accident." Turn around and leave.
  • turn your cubicle into a fort. Install a secret entrance and post a "Girls Have Cooties" sign.
  • ask a coworker if you can borrow their left shoe.
  • start a nasty rumor about your boss having an affair with the janitor just to see how much the story changes by the time it gets back to you.
  • during meetings, flatulate loudly, fan it toward your coworkers and ask them to guess what you had for breakfast.
  • you set up Star Wars action figures around your desk and sit around making Darth Vader breathing noises... Occasionally, you mumble something about crushing the rebellion and take out a group of action figures with a toy light saber.

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