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Ways to get fired

10. Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being considered for a big promotion. Day two: Spread a rumor that the promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.

9. Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, "No thanks, it doesn't mix well with thorazine."

8. Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit jacket. Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your jacket and whisper, "I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good quality stuff; who needs white-out?"

7. Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with water and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around your work space. Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just taking part in an efficiency study that your boss came up with to cut down on the time employees spend away from their desks.

6. Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by taking off one minute out of every 25. Spend all your time planning your vacations.

5. Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new Folger's Crystals.

4. Keep a tally of what your boss wears on 'casual' Friday. when you see a pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start a weekly pool.

3. Dress like a pirate for the office Halloween party. Dress like a pirate every other day of the year as well.

2. Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of the Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America, Points of Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.

1. Show up hung-over, leave drunk.

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